


regrets and inner thoughts

by kristsune



Category: Rusty Quill Gaming (Podcast)
Genre: Grief, Grieving, M/M, No happy ending here, angst angst angst, needed to write out the feels, spoilers for 174
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-15
Updated: 2020-10-15
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:53:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27033742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kristsune/pseuds/kristsune
Summary: Barnes says goodbye in the only way he knows how.
Relationships: Commander James Barnes/Howard Carter (Rusty Quill Gaming)
Comments: 20
Kudos: 37





	regrets and inner thoughts

**Author's Note:**

  * For [HowShouldIKnowboutLife](https://archiveofourown.org/users/HowShouldIKnowboutLife/gifts).



> Welp, howshouldiknowboutlife wanted angst and so did I. will i write fix its for them?? the signs point to likely, but i just.. i needed to write some angst.

Barnes looked down at Carter’s body, laid out as if he were just sleeping. (Except he wasn’t sleeping, couldn’t be sleeping. Carter never slept flat on his back, always curled up in a ball or wrapped around Barnes, or starfished across their bed, or some combination of the above). Barnes hadn’t even been able to carry his body from where he had landed (Of  _ course _ he hit the boulder, Carter always had the worst luck. Sure Barnes had been impaled on a tree, but he still  _ survived _ . Oh christ he survived) due to his own injury.

He rubbed his still sore hip. Sure he was healed (thanks to Azu, though some small part of him would always be bitter that she hadn’t been able to save Carter as well), and he had a new knotted and ugly scar (Carter would have loved it, would have called it cool before telling Barnes he was beautiful, and leaving a kiss in the center like he did with all his scars. This one would never receive a Carter Kiss. Which was fitting. It didn’t deserve one. Not the one that would forever remind Barnes that he survived and Carter didn’t.)

Barnes sat awkwardly on the floor next to Carter’s head, heedless of the snow, and cupped his cheek (no matter how cold Barnes felt, it would never be as cold as Carter’s skin, no longer holding that rosy glow, from a mixture of the sun, the wind, and the flush he would always get after a few drinks) rubbing his thumb along Carter’s cheekbone (he didn’t smile, he  _ always _ smiled when Barnes brushed his cheekbone. Carter had rarely ever received that kind of soft touch, it always made him happy when Barnes did it, and now he would never smile again). 

He felt a hand rest on his shoulder, he could tell it was Cel without even looking (Barnes couldn’t look away from Carter, even though he couldn’t actually see him anymore through the tears that started to fall). He appreciated the gesture, but it wasn’t enough (it would never be enough, not unless Carter was back, making terrible jokes, playing with his knives, or whining about nothing in particular). Cel didn’t stay long, too much else to do - to repair the ship - and Barnes was both sad, and relieved when they were gone (he didn’t deserve comfort, he was supposed to watch over Carter, he was supposed to take  _ care _ of him, and now he was  _ dead _ . It may not have been Barnes’ fault, but that didn’t make him feel any less guilty).

Barnes had no idea how long he sat there, but eventually the tears stopped (for now, they’d be back, he knew they would be, it was a wonder they stopped at all). Before he left he had to say something, he doubted Carter could hear it, but Barnes needed to all the same. “I’m sorry Howard. I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you, I’m sorry this happened to you, I’m sorry you didn’t get everything you wanted, I’m sorry we never got to explore more of us, I’m sorry I never got to take you fishing.” Barnes leaned over by the end of his list, and brushed his lips against Carter’s forehead, “I’m sorry for everything.” He brushed his thumb over the kiss he left behind, “Goodbye, Howard. I hope those around you now are kinder than the ones here, it’s the least you deserve.” 

Barnes slowly stood up ready to make his way to his tent, but paused to lean back down, slipping his hand up Carter’s left sleeve and pulling out a wicked looking throwing knife, gripping the handle tight. It was Carter’s favorite, couldn’t let that go to rust, Carter would be devastated. Barnes would take care of it as best he could. Hopefully he’d do a better job than taking care of Carter himself. 

**Author's Note:**

> feel free to come yell at me over on [tumblr](https://kristsune.tumblr.com/) or [twitter!](https://twitter.com/Kristsune)


End file.
